Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
