K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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