why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
