we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
