can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
