WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
