alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Randomize
