I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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