He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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