Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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