Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
