I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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