fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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