I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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