i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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