It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
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You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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