Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
