what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
