My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
