Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
