The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
