You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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