I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.