Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?