Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
