Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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