youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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