i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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