Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
