you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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