There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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