why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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