Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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