TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
