He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
