The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
