And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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