Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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