Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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