Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
