yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
