remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
