Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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