im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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