Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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