period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
