I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
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He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
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