i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
