Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
