My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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