i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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