As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
