Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
