Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
