There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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