Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize